With the publication of the first papal encyclical on “our common home” earlier this week http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/18/pope-francis-encyclical-extract , the environment will also take centre stage at the Church of England’s General Synod in York next month http://www.churchtimes.co.uk/articles/2015/19-june/news/uk/environment-is-top-of-general-synod-agenda-in-york Just as well because the earth has entered a new period of extinction, a study by three US universities has concluded, and humans could be among the first casualties http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-33209548
THAT HIDEOUS STRENGTH BY C S LEWIS
0In case readers should think that the Witch of Worcester is possessed by some “deviltry”, to quote the 20th century Anglican theologian, Oxford scholar and fantasy writer C S Lewis, she would like to reassure them that this is most certainly not the case. Indeed, the Witch is currently re-reading “That Hideous Strength” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That_Hideous_Strength – “A Modern Fairy-Tale for Grown-Ups” and “tall story about deviltry” according to its Christian author http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._S._Lewis and strongly recommends the book to all concerned with the future of this world and the next.
GREAT CAR ECONOMY GOD IS REVEALED
0The Witch of Worcester has to confess to having a truly revelatory talk with a senior member of the Church of England recently in which she naturally saw an opportunity to pursue her own business interests.
Apparently, heaven has for some years been run by The Great Car Economy God. This explains why churches have been demolished to make way for car parks in Worcester (near the cathedral, incidentally) and elsewhere. However, the world’s major religions have not made the identity of heaven’s new ruler known to the majority of their followers, with only a select few being aware of the development. Unfortunately for this religious elite, the advent of social media has meant that rumours of the heavenly take-over are now widespread, and it has been agreed amongst leaders of the world religions that the general public will soon be officially informed of the new spiritual cosmology.
To coincide with the great event, The Great Car Economy God has invited bids from three of the world’s major religions – Islam, Christianity and Hinduism – as well as the Chinese to construct a new heavenly gateway city in the sky where worthies from all faiths and rich people can reside whilst their applications for the higher realms are processed by the authorities of The Great Car Economy God. The Church of England has, therefore, entered in to a joint venture with other protestant institutions as well as the Catholic Church, although the leadership of this enterprise is currently contested. On a positive note, however, their prospective bid – knowns as the St Peter’s Gate Project – apparently promotes a scheme already funded by HSBC Bank.
The Witch of Worcester of course saw in this revelation an opportunity to renew political interest in WoW Enterprises long-standing proposal for a spaceport at Throckmorton Airfield, which had not been short shortlisted by the present government. Given the fondness of Worcestershire worthies for a rail parkway regional interchange, WoW proposes to trump their piffling little project proposed for an inaccessible location in the Worcester environs with a new station and much larger car park on Throckmorton Airfield. This would provide access for worthies from the locality and wider region desirous of fast access to St Peter’s Gate, as well as somewhere to leave their motor vehicles in case entry to the intended final destination was denied by higher powers and a return journey to earth required.
PS. In case some people are concerned that they do not have a future in this great new scheme of things, the Witch can assure them that there is another and much pleasanter afterlife only accessible to those who arrive by sustainable transport.
WOW PANTO 2015 – DUMB & DUMBER
0The prospect of a return to Tescograd made it difficult for the Witch to enter the festive spirit last month, but her new E-Pantomime is now in preparation so here’s a preview.
Dumb and Dumber is a firm of estate agents headquartered in London SW1, with branch offices in the Cotswolds (Chipping Norton) and the North of England (Sheffield). Its managing partner is David Dumb, whose main business involves selling upmarket real estate (and anything else of a speculative nature) to uber-wealthy foreigners. His deputy Nick Dumber, meanwhile, focusses mainly on suburban properties in Middle England and more affordable housing in older industrial conurbations. However, there are increasing tensions within the partnership, as the foreign oligarch market seems to have peaked (along with the price of oil), and Nick Dumber has started to challenge the viability of the Dumb-led business model. For his part, David Dumb would like to oust Dumber from the partnership altogether, and is currently in clandestine discussion with a rival firm of agents called Farage & Co, with a view to the creation of a strategic alliance during May 2015. Farage & Co used to specialise in properties in struggling English seaside towns, but has more recently embarked on branch development throughout the provinces beyond London.
Providing a romantic sub-plot to the main action and comic shenanigans of Dumb and Dumber is a three-way love story involving City banker George Chancellor, his Bichon Frise lap dog and Freya the Cat. The dog has recently caused the exclusion of Freya from George’s affections. Banished to a life in Kent, she has become a green activist, with a particular concern for homeless humans and their companion animals. Freya is currently wondering whether she should sell some of George’s darker secrets to the Tabloid press to fund her philanthropic activities, and is about to contact former prisoner and media hack Andy Coulson with the material.
As well as providing traditional family pantomime, “Dumb and Dumber” also comes with an “Adults Only” E-Cabaret. Blair Wizard Entertainments have brought together stars old and new in a spectacular show called “Boom and Bust”. Headline performers include Merv “The King of Swing”, Lehman Brothers and The Crash. Musical numbers from “The Roaring Noughties” will include Spend, Spend, Spend and Shop ‘Til You Drop, and there will be more recent hits like Austerity Blues. All proceeds will go to the Blair Wizard Charitable Trust and a special project to rehabilitate politicians and their spin doctors after a spell in the clink (gaol).
PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON THINKS VOTERS ARE “DUMB, DUMB, DUMB”
0Lord Ashcroft, the former deputy chairman of the Conservative Party, says the prime minister thinks the electorate are “Dumb, Dumb, Dumb..” as the “abuse” hurled at Ukip supporters by the Tories backfires – http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/11/20/david-cameron-lord-ashcroft-ukip-dumb_n_619101
“WICKED AND EVIL” POLITICAL PARTIES
0Without wishing to express support for any political party, the Witch of Worcester was surprised to hear Lib-Dem Sir Malcolm Bruce describe UKIP as a “wicked and evil” one on BBC Radio 4’s “Any Questions” on Friday http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04pcd5f Before using such intemperate language, Sir Malcolm – sounding like a spokesman for the Scottish Kirk in John Buchan’s historical novel “Witch Wood” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witch_Wood – might have recalled that his onetime esteemed colleague the former Lib-Dem MP Sir Cyril Smith is reputed to have sexually abused numerous children from orphanages in Manchester between 1960 and 1987: http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/sep/15/twenty-people-police-abused-cyril-smith Politics and politicians certainly have a dark side, but the one thing that can be said about UKIP is theirs seems rather more visible than those of other parties.
Meanwhile, disgraced ex-Labour MP, and onetime Europe Minister, Denis MacShane wrote a letter in The Guardian on Friday to fellow former guest of Her Majesty’s Prison system ex-Conservative spin doctor Andy Coulson – http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/21/andy-coulson-prison-others-guilty-policy The letter concludes: “….now I wouldn’t have missed Belmarsh for anything in the world. I learned loads, not least about myself. Good luck and show ’em the stuff British hacks are made of.”
A LONG STAY AT HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE IS ENLIVENED BY SOME MEDIA ROLE-PLAY
0“Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours”. (Milton Berle – Attributed)
Andy Coulson’s QC had secured his relocation to an open prison, where a visit from old friend Piers Morgan – http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/piers-morgan-its-no-secret-that-i-visited-my-friend-andy-coulson-in-prison-9716098.html – had been welcome. Relations with fellow cons were considerably more civilised, and when a copy of The Sunday Mirror – http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/sunday-mirror-defends-clear-public-4349285 – came his way, Coulson had a brain wave. Gaining the attention of a screw (prison warden) with whom he was on good terms, the former News of the World editor proposed some educational role-play involving staff and inmates. Coulson would play the role of chairman of the new Independent Press Standards Organisation – http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/press/independent-press-standards-organisation-board-members-announced-9448253.html – whilst his new comrades would act as committee members. They would consider the case of the former Minister for Civil Society, as well as fellow Conservative MPs, targeted in The Sunday Mirror’s “Sextgate Sting”, which had already been referred to IPSO: http://www.ipso.co.uk Although a legal counsel had given opinion on the matter in his blog – http://barristerblogger.com/2014/09/28/tricked-sex-fraud-sunday-mirrors-sting-brookes-newmark-criminal – Coulson felt confident that his committee of cons and screws could still do justice to the story. Meanwhile, the former editor reflected on how he would have treated this very British scoop, and secretly hoped that the creators of Sophie Wittans – http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/sep/30/sundaymirror-guidofawkes – might one day be joining him in the clink – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Clink . To be continued….
BREAKFAST TALK AT BELMARSH PRISON
0“Now, how about a spot of prison breakfast?” said Ken Clarke to Andy Coulson. Having recently been head-butted in the canteen, Coulson was glad of a minder and Clarke looked as if he could still throw a punch like John Prescott. However, arriving in the food queue the con who had broken Coulson’s glasses became civil in the QC’s presense. In fact, he turned out to be a great admirer of the former Chancellor and bemoaned the “light-weight PR people”, to use Clarke’s words, who had taken over British politics. Turning to Coulson, the con apologised for losing his temper the previous day. His real problem, it turned out, was media regulation and, in particular the Press Complaints Commission. “A useless joke!” said Clarke, referring to the Commission, whilst eating a bacon sandwich with rather more style than Ed Miliband. “There’s nothing new about biased journalists and their lack of adherence to the facts, of course”, he continued, “as I told the Leveson Inquiry”: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/press/snooping-journalists-forced-ken-clarke-to-move-bank-account-7804640.html Coulson remained silent during this exchange, fearful of reigniting the wrath of the head-butter. He had declined the fried breakfast in favour of porridge – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porridge_%28TV_series%29 – and wondered whether switching the conversation to the needs of prisoners for a healthier lifestyle, in his case in an open prison, might be a good idea, or one to save until later….to be continued.
A QUEEN’S COUNSEL PROPOSES ASTROLOGY
0Continues the story* of ex-newspaper hack and government spin doctor Andy Coulson in Belmarsh Prison….
Still fastidious about his appearance, the dapper Coulson was slightly horrified by the entrance of the dishevelled former Justice Secretary and Chancellor of the Exchequer (the last one to pass on a surplus) in to his prison cell. Ken Clarke then lit up a cigar (despite the smoking ban) and offered him a shot from his hip flask which Coulson declined. The veteran MP looked as if he’d been to a late night jazz bash and then slept in his suit. “Hair of the dog, old boy!” said Clarke as he took a swig of whisky. “You may be surprised to hear this Coulson, but I’ve been consulting your stars”. It transpired that a fellow Conservative MP had recently come out as an astrologer – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-28464009 – and other parliamentarians were also now following the ancient art. “According to your chart”**, the Queen’s Counsel continued, “this stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure was foretold in your stars. My recommendation, therefore, is that you plead guilty to all charges laid against you and ask for leniency in sentencing. The period of confinement may be used for astrological studies so that, upon release, you can seek employment as a media astrologer”. This wasn’t a bad idea, thought Coulson, not a bad idea at all. Things were starting to look up. What was that old saying about lying in the gutter, but looking at the stars?*** (….to be continued).
* More on this story can be found at: http://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2014/jul/28/-sp-bullying-hypocrisy-andy-coulson-reign-news-of-the-world-hack-attack-nick-davies and http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-28487299
** http://solarisastrology.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/andy-coulson-david-camerons-aide.html
***Oscar Wilde — ‘We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.’
SENTENCED AT HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE
0“Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care”. Shakespeare, Macbeth
Sentenced at Her Majesty’s Pleasure*, Andy Coulson – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Coulson – was dreaming in his Belmarsh Prison cell. His plan to raise the literacy of fellow inmates had not started off well. The disgraced ex-newspaper editor, and former Number 10 spin doctor, had just had his glasses broken by another con (criminal) upset by a story Coulson had once spun. His dreams, however, were reassuring. Coulson was taken under the wing of an older man bearing some resemblance to Ken Clarke http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Clarke ( a former criminal lawyer), who then turned in to Fletcher, the Ronnie Barker character in the long-running TV sitcom Porridge – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porridge_%28TV_series%29 Afterwards came a visit from Lord Archer – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Archer – in which the peer recommended Coulson start to write about his prison experiences and a novel with the object of securing a lucrative publication deal. Then an angelic figure appeared to descend from the ceiling above him. At first, Coulson thought it was the spirit of Rupert Murdoch – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rupert_Murdoch – but turned the figure out to be Johnathan Aitken http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Aitken offering spiritual support. Next came his former lover Rebekah Brooks – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebekah_Brooks – with the news that she was hacking out with David Cameron again and that a peerage for Coulson was on the way so that he could run a government department – probably Culture, Media and Sport – from his prison cell, assisted by fellow inmates in the interests of social inclusivity. However, there must be no tell-all memoirs of his days as the prime minister’s director of communications. Rebekah disappeared as Coulson awoke to the sound of his name being called out by a screw (prison guard) and the words “there’s a Queen’s Counsel here to see you”. Then in walked Ken Clarke – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Clarke#mediaviewer/File:Ken_Clarke.jpg – now a free man freshly re-shuffled out of government, apparently to offer his services….(to be continued)
The Witch of Worcester 
