In case readers should think that the Witch of Worcester is possessed by some “deviltry”, to quote the 20th century Anglican theologian, Oxford scholar and fantasy writer C S Lewis, she would like to reassure them that this is most certainly not the case. Indeed, the Witch is currently re-reading “That Hideous Strength” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That_Hideous_Strength – “A Modern Fairy-Tale for Grown-Ups” and “tall story about deviltry” according to its Christian author http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._S._Lewis and strongly recommends the book to all concerned with the future of this world and the next.
Category Archives: Regeneration/Economy
GREAT CAR ECONOMY GOD IS REVEALED
0The Witch of Worcester has to confess to having a truly revelatory talk with a senior member of the Church of England recently in which she naturally saw an opportunity to pursue her own business interests.
Apparently, heaven has for some years been run by The Great Car Economy God. This explains why churches have been demolished to make way for car parks in Worcester (near the cathedral, incidentally) and elsewhere. However, the world’s major religions have not made the identity of heaven’s new ruler known to the majority of their followers, with only a select few being aware of the development. Unfortunately for this religious elite, the advent of social media has meant that rumours of the heavenly take-over are now widespread, and it has been agreed amongst leaders of the world religions that the general public will soon be officially informed of the new spiritual cosmology.
To coincide with the great event, The Great Car Economy God has invited bids from three of the world’s major religions – Islam, Christianity and Hinduism – as well as the Chinese to construct a new heavenly gateway city in the sky where worthies from all faiths and rich people can reside whilst their applications for the higher realms are processed by the authorities of The Great Car Economy God. The Church of England has, therefore, entered in to a joint venture with other protestant institutions as well as the Catholic Church, although the leadership of this enterprise is currently contested. On a positive note, however, their prospective bid – knowns as the St Peter’s Gate Project – apparently promotes a scheme already funded by HSBC Bank.
The Witch of Worcester of course saw in this revelation an opportunity to renew political interest in WoW Enterprises long-standing proposal for a spaceport at Throckmorton Airfield, which had not been short shortlisted by the present government. Given the fondness of Worcestershire worthies for a rail parkway regional interchange, WoW proposes to trump their piffling little project proposed for an inaccessible location in the Worcester environs with a new station and much larger car park on Throckmorton Airfield. This would provide access for worthies from the locality and wider region desirous of fast access to St Peter’s Gate, as well as somewhere to leave their motor vehicles in case entry to the intended final destination was denied by higher powers and a return journey to earth required.
PS. In case some people are concerned that they do not have a future in this great new scheme of things, the Witch can assure them that there is another and much pleasanter afterlife only accessible to those who arrive by sustainable transport.
WOW PANTO 2015 – DUMB & DUMBER
0The prospect of a return to Tescograd made it difficult for the Witch to enter the festive spirit last month, but her new E-Pantomime is now in preparation so here’s a preview.
Dumb and Dumber is a firm of estate agents headquartered in London SW1, with branch offices in the Cotswolds (Chipping Norton) and the North of England (Sheffield). Its managing partner is David Dumb, whose main business involves selling upmarket real estate (and anything else of a speculative nature) to uber-wealthy foreigners. His deputy Nick Dumber, meanwhile, focusses mainly on suburban properties in Middle England and more affordable housing in older industrial conurbations. However, there are increasing tensions within the partnership, as the foreign oligarch market seems to have peaked (along with the price of oil), and Nick Dumber has started to challenge the viability of the Dumb-led business model. For his part, David Dumb would like to oust Dumber from the partnership altogether, and is currently in clandestine discussion with a rival firm of agents called Farage & Co, with a view to the creation of a strategic alliance during May 2015. Farage & Co used to specialise in properties in struggling English seaside towns, but has more recently embarked on branch development throughout the provinces beyond London.
Providing a romantic sub-plot to the main action and comic shenanigans of Dumb and Dumber is a three-way love story involving City banker George Chancellor, his Bichon Frise lap dog and Freya the Cat. The dog has recently caused the exclusion of Freya from George’s affections. Banished to a life in Kent, she has become a green activist, with a particular concern for homeless humans and their companion animals. Freya is currently wondering whether she should sell some of George’s darker secrets to the Tabloid press to fund her philanthropic activities, and is about to contact former prisoner and media hack Andy Coulson with the material.
As well as providing traditional family pantomime, “Dumb and Dumber” also comes with an “Adults Only” E-Cabaret. Blair Wizard Entertainments have brought together stars old and new in a spectacular show called “Boom and Bust”. Headline performers include Merv “The King of Swing”, Lehman Brothers and The Crash. Musical numbers from “The Roaring Noughties” will include Spend, Spend, Spend and Shop ‘Til You Drop, and there will be more recent hits like Austerity Blues. All proceeds will go to the Blair Wizard Charitable Trust and a special project to rehabilitate politicians and their spin doctors after a spell in the clink (gaol).
The Worcestershire Time-Space Travel Hub
0It is nearly 2 years since WoW – Witch of Worcester – Enterprises described our proposed Spaceport at Throckmorton Airfield, near Pershore – https://witchofworcester.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/new-wow-enterprises-the-throckmorton-spaceport-project/ and this post updates the situation.
The Government has recently announced that a UK spaceport will be operational within five years, once a “remote” site has been found for the project: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2617763/Rockets-lift-UK-five-years-government-remote-spaceport.html Throckmorton has been ruled out as insufficiently remote despite WoW’s irrefutable case for this location, based on the latest technology in the known universe. Nevertheless, we understand that the latest round of public consultations on the proposed South Worcestershire Development Plan – http://www.swdevelopmentplan.org/?page_id=5393 – may include this site for a possible new garden suburb of Pershore, a subject to which we will be doubt be returning.
In the meantime, the Government has also announced that there will be a 6th Round of bids for Regional Growth Fund grants: https://www.gov.uk/understanding-the-regional-growth-fund#rgf-round-6 As far as WoW Enterprises are concerned, this news could not come at a better time. Since the proposed Worcester Technology Park failed its due diligence test for nearly £18 million RGF Round 1, this area has been unable to advance a suitably grand project, and the “Worcestershire Time Space-Travel Portal and Inter-Gallactic Hub” fulfils the “Think Big” specification perfectly.
Moreover, since 2012 WoW Enterprises has speculated large sums on research and development into so-called “Wormholes” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wormhole – which the Wikipedia describes thus: “A wormhole, also known as an Einstein–Rosen bridge, is a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime that would fundamentally be a “shortcut” through spacetime. A wormhole is much like a tunnel with two ends each in separate points in spacetime.” Now, as it happens, we have discovered such a time-space portal in the vicinity of Wadborough Park Farm, a few miles to the south-east of Worcester.
This establishment has until recently been somewhat notorious as the source of a stench, widely known as “the Stoulton Stink” – http://www.rivertac.org/2013/12/farm-fined-a-total-of-37000-for-persistent-pollution/ – and is now, it is understood, considering plans to turn itself into the largest solar farm in Europe (we jest not!). In fact, Wadborough Park Farm is viewed as a major nuisance not just by its earthly neighbours but by so-called Extra-Terrestrials dwelling in space, and more particularly amongst people living in a parallel universe where Wadborough Park Farm remains one of the finest country estates in the whole of Worcestershire, like those of Croome and Spetchley: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Croome_Court and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spetchley_Park
Needless to say, Wow Enterprises draws substantial support and backing for the Space-Time Travel Portal from amongst these supernatural communities; and ordinary folk can be assured that the project would have an exclusively beneficial impact on their environment. Indeed, the physical Wadborough Park Farm would be fully restored to its former glory whilst the portal operated “Through the Wormhole” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Through_the_Wormhole – as it were, with access enabled by teleportation – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teleportation – from smaller hub facilities around Britain. Given this extraordinary arrangement, it is quite possible that the project may not require planning permission. All will be explained, however, in our forthcoming bid for a Regional Growth Fund grant.
TESCOGRAD RETREAT MAKES CHANCELLOR WEEP
0The Witch is Not Dead! She has, however, been journeying in metaphysical realms during recent months, visiting snowy wastelands – think Narnia – far colder than Britain in the grip of the “Big Chill”. Long-term readers of The Witch of Worcester’s blog will know that she is engaged in a struggle encompassing Middle Earth and Middle England to prevent despoliation of town and country by the advance of Tescograd. Although such urban sprawl partly takes its name from a well-known supermarket chain, the phenomenon should reallly be thought of as a hybrid spatial planning system (or political land economy even) which combines the worst of free market capitalism with a soviet-style administrative apparatus at both central and local government levels. The system is also heavily spun by both Whitehall politicians and bureaucrats, and their local equivalents, using the Kremlin technique of “Dezinformatsiya” (or Disinformation) to camouflage policies and generally dumb down the planning process. That one of the prime movers in its creation should now be in retreat, an announcement co-coinciding with the funeral yesterday of a former British prime minister, is, therefore, a blow to the powers that be and reason, along with mourning the passing of The Iron Lady, why Chancellor Osborne was seen weeping in St Pauls.
THE HESELCOTT
0MID WORCESTERSHIRE QUESTION MAY DETERMINE UK’S POLITICAL FUTURE
0For those readers who think it is the West Lothian question and the issue of Scottish independence which hold the key to the political future of the United Kingdom, The Witch knows otherwise. “Cam the Knife’s” – aka David Cameron: an allusion to his predecessor “Mac the Knife” or Harold Macmillan – reshuffle has precipitated the resignation of Peter Luff, MP for the safe Tory seat of Mid Worcestershire, who has announced that he is retiring from politics by the 2015 General Election.
London Mayor Boris Johnson is now known to be interested in re-placing Mr Luff as constituency MP, partly because The Witch has drawn attention to the development potential of Throckmorton airfield; and also because Super Boris (again an allusion to Super Mac) could then challenge Cam the Knife for leadership of the Conservative Party. Press speculation about Boris doing a similar deal with Zac Goldsmith for the latter’s Richmond constituency should be regarded as mere distracting tittle-tattle.
In the meantime, the announcement of a “review” into airport capacity whose outcome will not be known until after the General Election, has encouraged The Witch of Worcester to moth-ball WOW enterprises’ plans for a spaceport at Throckmorton (in anticipation of Super Boris becoming MP for the area in question); and instead focus on developing a combined state of the art conservatory and extension of her broom cupboard. The roof of this structure can be opened on fine nights to allow The WoW Coven to fly out on their broomsticks, after the fashion of George Osborne and his familiar-drawn chariot (see below).
EXCLUSIVE: NEW OXORD FU MANCHU FOUR RUNWAY AIRPORT PROPOSAL
0Now that she is an official member of the international mega project circuit (or should that be circus?), The Witch can exclusively reveal that a short-listed site for the new four runway airport proposed in south east England is that currently occupied by the city of Oxford. Yes, Oxford Fu Manchu Airport would involve the international trans-location of Oxford’s historic city quarters, including that of the university, to an area adjoining the new Ordos technopolis in Inner Mongolia, in whose empty high rise apartment block residents could also be re-housed.
This option apparently received support from former Oxford Bullingdon Club member, and current Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne when he visited evil Chinese genius Dr Fu Manchu on board his yaght – an even more impressive vessel than than that of Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska – last month. However, it is understood that the former Governor of Hong Kong, and current Chancellor of Oxford University, Lord Patten could pose an obstacle to the proposal and may have to be removed from office “Chinese-style” (or should that be Fu Manchu-style?).
Mr Osborne, meanwhile, is reported to have been behaving more strangely than usual. The Witch has it on good authority that he converted to the dark arts following that infamous encounter with Lord Mandelson known as “Yatchgate”. However, shortly after initiation Mr Osborne lost his familiar, Freya the cat, who has recently re-joined him in Downing Street: a territory she likes very well. To those with eyes endowed with occult powers, the Chancellor can now been seen flying through the night sky in a chariot drawn by eight felines, when not summoning up infernal spirits with his coven of special advisers.
PS: Those unfamiliar with Dr Fu Manchu should consult his entry in Wikipedia. He may have been introduced to the Chancellor of the Exchequer through Global Counsel LLP.
COMBINED EUROPEAN AIR & SPACE (EASE)TRANSPORT HUB & LAND BRIDGE
0Having recently posted on the subject of a South Worcestershire Spaceport at Throckmorton Airfield and accompanied a well-known entrepreneur on a hot air balloon ride to the Continent, The Witch of Worcester and WoW Enterprises have now been invited to collaborate on a new combined European air and space transport hub and land bridge (or EASE Transport Hub). The land bridge component of the project would involve the construction of a high-level causeway across the North Sea to provide a site for EASE and associated development, including a mega conurbation to be called “New Atlantis”. Although the project is only at pre-feasibility stage, an attraction for anyone who might feel obliged to object is that the EASE Hub could enable the closure of all three London airports and several on the European mainland, whilst simultaneously accommodating virtually all new greenfield development identified for Southern Britain. There are, of course, significant obstacles, including the issue of how to manage the North Sea to prevent this flooding large areas of England, Wales and Western Europe. However, these obstacles can be viewed as long-term consultancy and related opportunities for those who might otherwise make a nuisance of themselves with speculative development proposals somewhere else.
COMMON SENSE REFRESHER COURSE NEEDED FOR MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT
0If my last post sounded too speculative for some, this may have something to do with the strange mix of gases in the upper atmosphere and the difficulty of sustaining common sensory equilibrium as one comes down to earth. Nevertheless, the experience has given me new insights into the problems encountered by Members of Parliament and others who have risen up in the world. Although these people may have started out with their fair share of common sense, and in some cases considerable low cunning, the effects of high office, or powerful computer systems, on them can be quite disastrous. Just reflect for a momemt on the ongoing problems of globalised financial services! However, it is on our Honourable Members that I wish to focus here.
Today we learn that a report called “Britain Unchained” is to be published at the forthcoming Conservative Party Conference – to which, incidentally, The Witch of Worcester would like an invitation – wherein British labour is blamed for a lack of work ethic. WoW Enterprises meanwhile is considering the publication of a counterblast entitled “Keeping UK Elites On A Leash”, which will highlight the importance of promoting common sense amongst the governing classes, with obligatory Continuing Professional Development. The reason for this is simple, the decline of common sense has a profoundly demotivating effect on The Big Society, London Olympic successes notwithstanding, which accounts for a range of socio-economic problems in whose existence there is general agreement.
The Witch of Worcester 