FORMER MRS BORIS JOHNSON BETTER MP FOR MID-WORCESTERSHIRE

It is not often that The Witch of Worcester feels it necessary to recant the contents of a previous post, but she is going to do so on this occasion. However, first let her set out the context for this recantation.

In recent weeks, the Duchess of Cambridge’s breasts have received much media attention. Personally, The Witch has no desire to see the Duchess’s naked bosom, or, indeed, to hear mention of the matter ever again. Nevertheless, if this subject greatly titillates the foreign media so must it be! We British are, after all, remarkably two-faced about sexification and sexualisation in the media. On the one hand, we have some of the most salacious gentlemen of the press in the world, and, on the other, we are an unremarkable lot of boring prudes. It is precisely the boring prudishness of the British that The Witch wishes to exorcise in her present post.

Now, whilst Mayor of London Boris Johnson does not seem to be a boring prude, it is former wife, Allegra Mostyn-Owen, who may yet do more for challenging the boring prudishness of the British than her ex-husband. So what better lady to represent the constituents of Mid-Worcestershire than she!

For those unfamiliar with the personal history of Ms Mostyn-Owen, she is, like Boris Johnson, a sometime writer, but there almost all similarity ends. For although Allegra started adult life as a cover girl for Tatler magazine and had all the desirable attributes for the life of young Johnsonian consort, when the gentlemen left her for his present wife, Ms Mostyn-Owen followed what most would regard as a remarkable path. Discarding the life of a Tory Girl, she set out on a creative and spiritual journey to the East End of London, teaching art and English to the Muslim community there.

However, this extra-ordinary journey only became interesting to the British press when Allegra, no courter of publicity, married a man twenty years her junior in Pakistan in 2010. Not just embracing Islam, Ms Mostyn-Owen has expressed willingness to share her partner with another younger wife, after the way of the Prophet himself. What a remarkably liberated and liberating woman! The Witch is reminded of the great actress Tilda Swinton, whose domestic arrangements came to the attention of the media a couple of years ago when she was found to be enjoying a menage a trois with an older husband and younger lover.

So let a New Worcestershire Woman of Allegra Mostyn-Owen’s substance, regardless of religion, politics or marital status, succeed Mr Peter Luff as MP for the Mid-Worcestershire constituency, and thereby liberate Middle England from its stuffiness and sexual prudery.

MID WORCESTERSHIRE QUESTION MAY DETERMINE UK’S POLITICAL FUTURE

For those readers who think it is the West Lothian question and the issue of Scottish independence which hold the key to the political future of the United Kingdom, The Witch knows otherwise. “Cam the Knife’s” – aka David Cameron: an allusion to his predecessor “Mac the Knife” or Harold Macmillan – reshuffle has precipitated the resignation of Peter Luff, MP for the safe Tory seat of Mid Worcestershire, who has announced that he is retiring from politics by the 2015 General Election.

London Mayor Boris Johnson is now known to be interested in re-placing Mr Luff as constituency MP, partly because The Witch has drawn attention to the development potential of Throckmorton airfield; and also because Super Boris (again an allusion to Super Mac) could then challenge Cam the Knife for leadership of the Conservative Party. Press speculation about Boris doing a similar deal with Zac Goldsmith for the latter’s Richmond constituency should be regarded as mere distracting tittle-tattle.

In the meantime, the announcement of a “review” into airport capacity whose outcome will not be known until after the General Election, has encouraged The Witch of Worcester to moth-ball WOW enterprises’ plans for a spaceport at Throckmorton (in anticipation of Super Boris becoming MP for the area in question); and instead focus on developing a combined state of the art conservatory and extension of her broom cupboard. The roof of this structure can be opened on fine nights to allow The WoW Coven to fly out on their broomsticks, after the fashion of George Osborne and his familiar-drawn chariot (see below).

EXCLUSIVE: NEW OXORD FU MANCHU FOUR RUNWAY AIRPORT PROPOSAL

Now that she is an official member of the international mega project circuit (or should that be circus?), The Witch can exclusively reveal that a short-listed site for the new four runway airport proposed in south east England is that currently occupied by the city of Oxford. Yes, Oxford Fu Manchu Airport would involve the international trans-location of Oxford’s historic city quarters, including that of the university, to an area adjoining the new Ordos technopolis in Inner Mongolia, in whose empty high rise apartment block residents could also be re-housed.

This option apparently received support from former Oxford Bullingdon Club member, and current Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne when he visited evil Chinese genius Dr Fu Manchu on board his yaght – an even more impressive vessel than than that of Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska – last month. However, it is understood that the former Governor of Hong Kong, and current Chancellor of Oxford University, Lord Patten could pose an obstacle to the proposal and may have to be removed from office “Chinese-style” (or should that be Fu Manchu-style?).

Mr Osborne, meanwhile, is reported to have been behaving more strangely than usual. The Witch has it on good authority that he converted to the dark arts following that infamous encounter with Lord Mandelson known as “Yatchgate”. However, shortly after initiation Mr Osborne lost his familiar, Freya the cat, who has recently re-joined him in Downing Street: a territory she likes very well. To those with eyes endowed with occult powers, the Chancellor can now been seen flying through the night sky in a chariot drawn by eight felines, when not summoning up infernal spirits with his coven of special advisers.

PS: Those unfamiliar with Dr Fu Manchu should consult his entry in Wikipedia. He may have been introduced to the Chancellor of the Exchequer through Global Counsel LLP.

WILL THE WICKED BLAIR WIZARD SEEK SANCTUARY IN SAUDI OR ISRAELI EMBASSY?

It may come as a surprise to some readers that during her sojourn in outer space The Witch of Worcester seriously considered the possibility of re-joining the Labour Party. Her alter ego has not been a member since the election of Tony Blair as party leader many moons ago. Yes, the emergence of Blue Labour suggested that the party might really be undergoing a spiritual as well as policy renewal. Alas, when The Witch returned to earth she learned that The Wicked Blair Wizard was back in the frame as a lead policy adviser to Ed Miliband.

Now Arch-Bishop Desmond Tutu has joined a throng of other people, and indeed organisations, committed to the cause of having ex-prime minister Blair and former president Bush tried for war crimes as a consequence of the unlawful invasion of Iraq led by the United States and Britain. Would that it were so simple!

The problem is that, with the exception of politicians across the party spectrum endowed with some common sense, a majority of UK parliamentarians did support the war in Iraq. Therefore whatever the wrong-doings of The Wicked Blair Wizard, he cannot take sole responsibility for warmongering on this occasion. The task for British democracy now is to ensure constitutional measures are in place so that those governing the country are provided with the expertise and decision-making processes to do so properly with regard to the rule of law. We are still some way from this desired state.

In the meantime, The Witch has learnt that the ex-prime minister, and current Middle East Peace Envoy, may seek sanctuary in the London embassy of Saudi Arabia, or that of Israel, just in case a recent Comic Strip film noir pastiche called “The Hunt for Tony Blair” turns out to presage events in the real world.

COMBINED EUROPEAN AIR & SPACE (EASE)TRANSPORT HUB & LAND BRIDGE

Having recently posted on the subject of a South Worcestershire Spaceport at Throckmorton Airfield and accompanied a well-known entrepreneur on a hot air balloon ride to the Continent, The Witch of Worcester and WoW Enterprises have now been invited to collaborate on a new combined European air and space transport hub and land bridge (or EASE Transport Hub). The land bridge component of the project would involve the construction of a high-level causeway across the North Sea to provide a site for EASE and associated development, including a mega conurbation to be called “New Atlantis”. Although the project is only at pre-feasibility stage, an attraction for anyone who might feel obliged to object is that the EASE Hub could enable the closure of all three London airports and several on the European mainland, whilst simultaneously accommodating virtually all new greenfield development identified for Southern Britain. There are, of course, significant obstacles, including the issue of how to manage the North Sea to prevent this flooding large areas of England, Wales and Western Europe. However, these obstacles can be viewed as long-term consultancy and related opportunities for those who might otherwise make a nuisance of themselves with speculative development proposals somewhere else.