A QUEEN’S COUNSEL PROPOSES ASTROLOGY

Continues the story* of ex-newspaper hack and government spin doctor Andy Coulson in Belmarsh Prison….

Still fastidious about his appearance, the dapper Coulson was slightly horrified by the entrance of the dishevelled former Justice Secretary and Chancellor of the Exchequer (the last one to pass on a surplus) in to his prison cell. Ken Clarke then lit up a cigar (despite the smoking ban) and offered him a shot from his hip flask which Coulson declined. The veteran MP looked as if he’d been to a late night jazz bash and then slept in his suit. “Hair of the dog, old boy!” said Clarke as he took a swig of whisky. “You may be surprised to hear this Coulson, but I’ve been consulting your stars”. It transpired that a fellow Conservative MP had recently come out as an astrologer – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-28464009 – and other parliamentarians were also now following the ancient art. “According to your chart”**, the Queen’s Counsel continued, “this stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure was foretold in your stars. My recommendation, therefore, is that you plead guilty to all charges laid against you and ask for leniency in sentencing. The period of confinement may be used for astrological studies so that, upon release, you can seek employment as a media astrologer”. This wasn’t a bad idea, thought Coulson, not a bad idea at all. Things were starting to look up. What was that old saying about lying in the gutter, but looking at the stars?*** (….to be continued).

* More on this story can be found at: http://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2014/jul/28/-sp-bullying-hypocrisy-andy-coulson-reign-news-of-the-world-hack-attack-nick-davies and http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-28487299

** http://solarisastrology.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/andy-coulson-david-camerons-aide.html

***Oscar Wilde — ‘We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.’

SENTENCED AT HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE

“Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care”. Shakespeare, Macbeth

Sentenced at Her Majesty’s Pleasure*, Andy Coulson – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Coulson – was dreaming in his Belmarsh Prison cell. His plan to raise the literacy of fellow inmates had not started off well. The disgraced ex-newspaper editor, and former Number 10 spin doctor, had just had his glasses broken by another con (criminal) upset by a story Coulson had once spun. His dreams, however, were reassuring. Coulson was taken under the wing of an older man bearing some resemblance to Ken Clarke http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Clarke ( a former criminal lawyer), who then turned in to Fletcher, the Ronnie Barker character in the long-running TV sitcom Porridge – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porridge_%28TV_series%29 Afterwards came a visit from Lord Archer – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Archer – in which the peer recommended Coulson start to write about his prison experiences and a novel with the object of securing a lucrative publication deal. Then an angelic figure appeared to descend from the ceiling above him. At first, Coulson thought it was the spirit of Rupert Murdoch – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rupert_Murdoch – but turned the figure out to be Johnathan Aitken http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Aitken offering spiritual support. Next came his former lover Rebekah Brooks – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebekah_Brooks – with the news that she was hacking out with David Cameron again and that a peerage for Coulson was on the way so that he could run a government department – probably Culture, Media and Sport – from his prison cell, assisted by fellow inmates in the interests of social inclusivity. However, there must be no tell-all memoirs of his days as the prime minister’s director of communications. Rebekah disappeared as Coulson awoke to the sound of his name being called out by a screw (prison guard) and the words “there’s a Queen’s Counsel here to see you”. Then in walked Ken Clarke – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Clarke#mediaviewer/File:Ken_Clarke.jpg – now a free man freshly re-shuffled out of government, apparently to offer his services….(to be continued)

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/At_Her_Majesty%27s_pleasure