In case readers should think that the Witch of Worcester is possessed by some “deviltry”, to quote the 20th century Anglican theologian, Oxford scholar and fantasy writer C S Lewis, she would like to reassure them that this is most certainly not the case. Indeed, the Witch is currently re-reading “That Hideous Strength” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That_Hideous_Strength – “A Modern Fairy-Tale for Grown-Ups” and “tall story about deviltry” according to its Christian author http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._S._Lewis and strongly recommends the book to all concerned with the future of this world and the next.
Category Archives: Culture/Literature
WOW PANTO 2015 – DUMB & DUMBER
0The prospect of a return to Tescograd made it difficult for the Witch to enter the festive spirit last month, but her new E-Pantomime is now in preparation so here’s a preview.
Dumb and Dumber is a firm of estate agents headquartered in London SW1, with branch offices in the Cotswolds (Chipping Norton) and the North of England (Sheffield). Its managing partner is David Dumb, whose main business involves selling upmarket real estate (and anything else of a speculative nature) to uber-wealthy foreigners. His deputy Nick Dumber, meanwhile, focusses mainly on suburban properties in Middle England and more affordable housing in older industrial conurbations. However, there are increasing tensions within the partnership, as the foreign oligarch market seems to have peaked (along with the price of oil), and Nick Dumber has started to challenge the viability of the Dumb-led business model. For his part, David Dumb would like to oust Dumber from the partnership altogether, and is currently in clandestine discussion with a rival firm of agents called Farage & Co, with a view to the creation of a strategic alliance during May 2015. Farage & Co used to specialise in properties in struggling English seaside towns, but has more recently embarked on branch development throughout the provinces beyond London.
Providing a romantic sub-plot to the main action and comic shenanigans of Dumb and Dumber is a three-way love story involving City banker George Chancellor, his Bichon Frise lap dog and Freya the Cat. The dog has recently caused the exclusion of Freya from George’s affections. Banished to a life in Kent, she has become a green activist, with a particular concern for homeless humans and their companion animals. Freya is currently wondering whether she should sell some of George’s darker secrets to the Tabloid press to fund her philanthropic activities, and is about to contact former prisoner and media hack Andy Coulson with the material.
As well as providing traditional family pantomime, “Dumb and Dumber” also comes with an “Adults Only” E-Cabaret. Blair Wizard Entertainments have brought together stars old and new in a spectacular show called “Boom and Bust”. Headline performers include Merv “The King of Swing”, Lehman Brothers and The Crash. Musical numbers from “The Roaring Noughties” will include Spend, Spend, Spend and Shop ‘Til You Drop, and there will be more recent hits like Austerity Blues. All proceeds will go to the Blair Wizard Charitable Trust and a special project to rehabilitate politicians and their spin doctors after a spell in the clink (gaol).
“WICKED AND EVIL” POLITICAL PARTIES
0Without wishing to express support for any political party, the Witch of Worcester was surprised to hear Lib-Dem Sir Malcolm Bruce describe UKIP as a “wicked and evil” one on BBC Radio 4’s “Any Questions” on Friday http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04pcd5f Before using such intemperate language, Sir Malcolm – sounding like a spokesman for the Scottish Kirk in John Buchan’s historical novel “Witch Wood” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witch_Wood – might have recalled that his onetime esteemed colleague the former Lib-Dem MP Sir Cyril Smith is reputed to have sexually abused numerous children from orphanages in Manchester between 1960 and 1987: http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/sep/15/twenty-people-police-abused-cyril-smith Politics and politicians certainly have a dark side, but the one thing that can be said about UKIP is theirs seems rather more visible than those of other parties.
Meanwhile, disgraced ex-Labour MP, and onetime Europe Minister, Denis MacShane wrote a letter in The Guardian on Friday to fellow former guest of Her Majesty’s Prison system ex-Conservative spin doctor Andy Coulson – http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/21/andy-coulson-prison-others-guilty-policy The letter concludes: “….now I wouldn’t have missed Belmarsh for anything in the world. I learned loads, not least about myself. Good luck and show ’em the stuff British hacks are made of.”
A LONG STAY AT HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE IS ENLIVENED BY SOME MEDIA ROLE-PLAY
0“Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours”. (Milton Berle – Attributed)
Andy Coulson’s QC had secured his relocation to an open prison, where a visit from old friend Piers Morgan – http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/piers-morgan-its-no-secret-that-i-visited-my-friend-andy-coulson-in-prison-9716098.html – had been welcome. Relations with fellow cons were considerably more civilised, and when a copy of The Sunday Mirror – http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/sunday-mirror-defends-clear-public-4349285 – came his way, Coulson had a brain wave. Gaining the attention of a screw (prison warden) with whom he was on good terms, the former News of the World editor proposed some educational role-play involving staff and inmates. Coulson would play the role of chairman of the new Independent Press Standards Organisation – http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/press/independent-press-standards-organisation-board-members-announced-9448253.html – whilst his new comrades would act as committee members. They would consider the case of the former Minister for Civil Society, as well as fellow Conservative MPs, targeted in The Sunday Mirror’s “Sextgate Sting”, which had already been referred to IPSO: http://www.ipso.co.uk Although a legal counsel had given opinion on the matter in his blog – http://barristerblogger.com/2014/09/28/tricked-sex-fraud-sunday-mirrors-sting-brookes-newmark-criminal – Coulson felt confident that his committee of cons and screws could still do justice to the story. Meanwhile, the former editor reflected on how he would have treated this very British scoop, and secretly hoped that the creators of Sophie Wittans – http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/sep/30/sundaymirror-guidofawkes – might one day be joining him in the clink – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Clink . To be continued….
A QUEEN’S COUNSEL PROPOSES ASTROLOGY
0Continues the story* of ex-newspaper hack and government spin doctor Andy Coulson in Belmarsh Prison….
Still fastidious about his appearance, the dapper Coulson was slightly horrified by the entrance of the dishevelled former Justice Secretary and Chancellor of the Exchequer (the last one to pass on a surplus) in to his prison cell. Ken Clarke then lit up a cigar (despite the smoking ban) and offered him a shot from his hip flask which Coulson declined. The veteran MP looked as if he’d been to a late night jazz bash and then slept in his suit. “Hair of the dog, old boy!” said Clarke as he took a swig of whisky. “You may be surprised to hear this Coulson, but I’ve been consulting your stars”. It transpired that a fellow Conservative MP had recently come out as an astrologer – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-28464009 – and other parliamentarians were also now following the ancient art. “According to your chart”**, the Queen’s Counsel continued, “this stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure was foretold in your stars. My recommendation, therefore, is that you plead guilty to all charges laid against you and ask for leniency in sentencing. The period of confinement may be used for astrological studies so that, upon release, you can seek employment as a media astrologer”. This wasn’t a bad idea, thought Coulson, not a bad idea at all. Things were starting to look up. What was that old saying about lying in the gutter, but looking at the stars?*** (….to be continued).
* More on this story can be found at: http://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2014/jul/28/-sp-bullying-hypocrisy-andy-coulson-reign-news-of-the-world-hack-attack-nick-davies and http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-28487299
** http://solarisastrology.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/andy-coulson-david-camerons-aide.html
***Oscar Wilde — ‘We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.’
SENTENCED AT HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE
0“Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care”. Shakespeare, Macbeth
Sentenced at Her Majesty’s Pleasure*, Andy Coulson – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Coulson – was dreaming in his Belmarsh Prison cell. His plan to raise the literacy of fellow inmates had not started off well. The disgraced ex-newspaper editor, and former Number 10 spin doctor, had just had his glasses broken by another con (criminal) upset by a story Coulson had once spun. His dreams, however, were reassuring. Coulson was taken under the wing of an older man bearing some resemblance to Ken Clarke http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Clarke ( a former criminal lawyer), who then turned in to Fletcher, the Ronnie Barker character in the long-running TV sitcom Porridge – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porridge_%28TV_series%29 Afterwards came a visit from Lord Archer – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Archer – in which the peer recommended Coulson start to write about his prison experiences and a novel with the object of securing a lucrative publication deal. Then an angelic figure appeared to descend from the ceiling above him. At first, Coulson thought it was the spirit of Rupert Murdoch – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rupert_Murdoch – but turned the figure out to be Johnathan Aitken http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Aitken offering spiritual support. Next came his former lover Rebekah Brooks – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebekah_Brooks – with the news that she was hacking out with David Cameron again and that a peerage for Coulson was on the way so that he could run a government department – probably Culture, Media and Sport – from his prison cell, assisted by fellow inmates in the interests of social inclusivity. However, there must be no tell-all memoirs of his days as the prime minister’s director of communications. Rebekah disappeared as Coulson awoke to the sound of his name being called out by a screw (prison guard) and the words “there’s a Queen’s Counsel here to see you”. Then in walked Ken Clarke – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Clarke#mediaviewer/File:Ken_Clarke.jpg – now a free man freshly re-shuffled out of government, apparently to offer his services….(to be continued)
The Worcestershire Time-Space Travel Hub
0It is nearly 2 years since WoW – Witch of Worcester – Enterprises described our proposed Spaceport at Throckmorton Airfield, near Pershore – https://witchofworcester.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/new-wow-enterprises-the-throckmorton-spaceport-project/ and this post updates the situation.
The Government has recently announced that a UK spaceport will be operational within five years, once a “remote” site has been found for the project: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2617763/Rockets-lift-UK-five-years-government-remote-spaceport.html Throckmorton has been ruled out as insufficiently remote despite WoW’s irrefutable case for this location, based on the latest technology in the known universe. Nevertheless, we understand that the latest round of public consultations on the proposed South Worcestershire Development Plan – http://www.swdevelopmentplan.org/?page_id=5393 – may include this site for a possible new garden suburb of Pershore, a subject to which we will be doubt be returning.
In the meantime, the Government has also announced that there will be a 6th Round of bids for Regional Growth Fund grants: https://www.gov.uk/understanding-the-regional-growth-fund#rgf-round-6 As far as WoW Enterprises are concerned, this news could not come at a better time. Since the proposed Worcester Technology Park failed its due diligence test for nearly £18 million RGF Round 1, this area has been unable to advance a suitably grand project, and the “Worcestershire Time Space-Travel Portal and Inter-Gallactic Hub” fulfils the “Think Big” specification perfectly.
Moreover, since 2012 WoW Enterprises has speculated large sums on research and development into so-called “Wormholes” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wormhole – which the Wikipedia describes thus: “A wormhole, also known as an Einstein–Rosen bridge, is a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime that would fundamentally be a “shortcut” through spacetime. A wormhole is much like a tunnel with two ends each in separate points in spacetime.” Now, as it happens, we have discovered such a time-space portal in the vicinity of Wadborough Park Farm, a few miles to the south-east of Worcester.
This establishment has until recently been somewhat notorious as the source of a stench, widely known as “the Stoulton Stink” – http://www.rivertac.org/2013/12/farm-fined-a-total-of-37000-for-persistent-pollution/ – and is now, it is understood, considering plans to turn itself into the largest solar farm in Europe (we jest not!). In fact, Wadborough Park Farm is viewed as a major nuisance not just by its earthly neighbours but by so-called Extra-Terrestrials dwelling in space, and more particularly amongst people living in a parallel universe where Wadborough Park Farm remains one of the finest country estates in the whole of Worcestershire, like those of Croome and Spetchley: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Croome_Court and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spetchley_Park
Needless to say, Wow Enterprises draws substantial support and backing for the Space-Time Travel Portal from amongst these supernatural communities; and ordinary folk can be assured that the project would have an exclusively beneficial impact on their environment. Indeed, the physical Wadborough Park Farm would be fully restored to its former glory whilst the portal operated “Through the Wormhole” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Through_the_Wormhole – as it were, with access enabled by teleportation – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teleportation – from smaller hub facilities around Britain. Given this extraordinary arrangement, it is quite possible that the project may not require planning permission. All will be explained, however, in our forthcoming bid for a Regional Growth Fund grant.
CONTEMPORISING TALES FROM CHAUCER
0Readers of the Witch of Worcester’s blog will be aware that tensions between the religious or spiritual life and more worldly temptations provide something of a touchstone. In this respect, the Witch’s great literary hero is the medieval English poet Geoffrey Chaucer, and she is today called upon to make a comparison between two characters in The Canterbury Tales and figures from contemporary English life.
The first such character is Chaucer’s Prioress who is described thus in the Tales’ Prologue:
……Ther was also a nonne, a prioresse,
119: That of hir smylyng was ful symple and coy;
120: Hire gretteste ooth was but by seinte loy;
121: And she was cleped madame eglentyne…..
151: Ful semyly hir wympul pynched was,
152: Hir nose tretys, hir eyen greye as glas,
153: Hir mouth ful smal, and therto softe and reed;
154: But sikerly she hadde a fair forheed;
155: It was almoost a spanne brood, I trowe;
156: For, hardily, she was nat undergrowe.
157: Ful fetys was hir cloke, as I was war….
160: And theron heng a brooch of gold ful sheene,
161: On which ther was first write a crowned a,
162: And after amor vincit omnia.
This account conjures up a lady vicar (Vicaress) whom the Witch encountered yesterday, clad in high heels and a rather tight grey suit (albeit with dog collar) which would not have looked out-of-place on the Duchess of Cambridge, should she ever decide to become a Church of England priest. However, the Witch couldn’t help but think that such attire might evoke in some minds a saucy amalgam – a sort of ecclesiastical dominatrix called “Madame Eglentyne” – of the famed “Tarts and Vicars” costumes. She was, therefore, interested to read in The Mail newspaper that a member of the Duchess’s extended Royal family, Beatrice York, was herself recently crowned queen at a “Tarts and Vicars” party: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2629944/Beatrice-crowned-queen-tarts-vicars-party-Sixth-line-throne-wore-imperial-crown-friends-soiree.html
Moving on to another Chaucerian analogy, the disgraced “Crystal Methodist” Paul Flowers – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Flowers_%28banker%29 – has more than something of the quality of the Canterbury Tales’ Friar about him:
208: A frere ther was, a wantowne and a merye,
209: A lymytour, a ful solempne man.
210: In alle the ordres foure is noon that kan
211: So muchel of daliaunce and fair langage….
214: Unto his ordre he was a noble post.
215: Ful wel biloved and famulier was he
216: With frankeleyns over al in his contree…
218: For he hadde power of confessioun,
219: As seyde hymself, moore than a curat,
220: For of his ordre he was licenciat.
221: Ful swetely herde he confessioun,
222: And plesaunt was his absolucioun:
223: He was an esy man to yeve penaunce,
224: Ther as he wiste to have a good pitaunce.
225: For unto a povre ordre for to yive
226: Is signe that a man is wel yshryve;
227: For if he yaf, he dorste make avaunt,
228: He wiste that a man was repentaunt;
229: For many a man so hard is of his herte,
230: He may nat wepe, althogh hym soore smerte.
231: Therfore in stede of wepynge and preyeres
232: Men moote yeve silver to the povre freres….
239: Therto he strong was as a champioun.
240: He knew the tavernes wel in every toun
241: And everich hostiler and tappestere
242: Bet than a lazar or a beggestere;
243: For unto swich a worthy man as he
244: Acorded nat, as by his facultee,
245: To have with sike lazars aqueyntaunce.
246: It is nat honest, it may nat avaunce,
247: For to deelen with no swich poraille,
248: But al with riche and selleres of vitaille.
249: And over al, ther as profit sholde arise,
250: Curteis he was and lowely of servyse.
251: Ther nas no man nowher so vertuous.
252: He was the beste beggere in his hous;
252.1: (and yaf a certeyne ferme for the graunt;
252.2: Noon of his bretheren cam ther in his haunt;)
253: For thogh a wydwe hadde noght a sho,
254: So plesaunt was his in principio,
255: Yet wolde he have a ferthyng, er he wente.
256: His purchas was wel bettre than his rente.
257: And rage he koude, as it were right a whelp.
258: In love-dayes ther koude he muchel help,
259: For ther he was nat lyk a cloysterer
260: With a thredbare cope, as is a povre scoler,
261: But he was lyk a maister or a pope.
262: Of double worstede was his semycope,
263: That rounded as a belle out of the presse.
264: Somwhat he lipsed, for his wantownesse,
265: To make his englissh sweete upon his tonge;
266: And in his harpyng, whan that he hadde songe,
267: His eyen twynkled in his heed aryght,
268: As doon the sterres in the frosty nyght.
269: This worthy lymytour was cleped huberd.
Chaucerian scholars will be aware that the Friar falls out with his fellow pilgrim the Summoner – in a manner not too dissimilar to the former Reverend Flowers’ falling out with gentlemen of the press – and a vitriolic tale on the subject of the excesses of Summoners ensues – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Friar%27s_Tale – recalling recent scenes outside the courts when the disgraced minister, after being charged with drugs offences, attacked the profession of journalism.
For more on the story of The Canterbury Tales, together with modern English translation of the above text, please see http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/CT-prolog-para.html
Spiritual advice for Buddhist monks encountering London Mayor on Tube
0The Witch of Worcester was sad to learn that a Buddhist monk had been so distracted by the appearance of the Mayor of London on the tube that he lost his lap top computer as a consequence. The story of Lelung’s Rinpoche’s fateful encounter with Boris Johnson, widely reported in the media last month, was summed up thus by The Daily Mail – “A Tibetan monk who posed for a selfie with London Mayor Boris Johnson was so caught up in the moment that it caused him to lose a laptop containing his life’s work” (Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2613281/Tibetan-monk-posed-THIS-selfie-Boris-Johnson-caught-moment-lost-laptop-containing-lifes-work.html#ixzz31JyxnajD) Buddhist Monks beware Boris Johnson when travelling on the London Underground is surely the moral of the tale! The Witch’s spiritual interpretation of the incident is that the Mayor of London channelled the demon known as Mara in Eastern faiths – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mara_%28demon%29 According to Buddhist cosmology, Mara “is a tempter, distracting humans from practicing the spiritual life by making mundane things alluring, or the negative seem positive.” (Wikipedia) There can be few better descriptions of a philandering politician than that!
A Horrible History Play : The Housebuilders
0Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by this sun of York (William Shakespeare: Duke of Gloucester in Richard III)
The Witch of Worcester has recently been commissioned to write a play along the lines of the “Horrible Histories”: http://horrible-histories.co.uk The “sun of York” in question is Eric Pickles, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government. Provisionally entitled “The Housebuilders”, the plot revolves around a major outbreak of urban sprawl between Gloucester and Worcester. Unable to travel to work because of traffic congestion, the spooks of GCHQ – who are scattered around the M5 motorway corridor – go on strike. In the midst of the ensuing chaos, Nigel Farage declares a Kentish breakaway state independent of the European Union and asks for assistance from Vladimir Putin to secure its borders. At this point, Eric Pickles stages a coup d’etat, later imprisoning former prime minister David Cameron and his deputy Nick Clegg in the Tower of London. The long-awaited arrival of full-on Soviet style central planning is then hailed by “The Housebuilders”, a conspiracy of freemasons bent on concreting over Middle England. As the Horrible Histories website states: “Here you’ll find nasty nuggets and foul facts aplenty…”
The Witch of Worcester 
