In case readers should think that the Witch of Worcester is possessed by some “deviltry”, to quote the 20th century Anglican theologian, Oxford scholar and fantasy writer C S Lewis, she would like to reassure them that this is most certainly not the case. Indeed, the Witch is currently re-reading “That Hideous Strength” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That_Hideous_Strength – “A Modern Fairy-Tale for Grown-Ups” and “tall story about deviltry” according to its Christian author http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._S._Lewis and strongly recommends the book to all concerned with the future of this world and the next.
Category Archives: Pantomime/Satire
GREAT CAR ECONOMY GOD IS REVEALED
0The Witch of Worcester has to confess to having a truly revelatory talk with a senior member of the Church of England recently in which she naturally saw an opportunity to pursue her own business interests.
Apparently, heaven has for some years been run by The Great Car Economy God. This explains why churches have been demolished to make way for car parks in Worcester (near the cathedral, incidentally) and elsewhere. However, the world’s major religions have not made the identity of heaven’s new ruler known to the majority of their followers, with only a select few being aware of the development. Unfortunately for this religious elite, the advent of social media has meant that rumours of the heavenly take-over are now widespread, and it has been agreed amongst leaders of the world religions that the general public will soon be officially informed of the new spiritual cosmology.
To coincide with the great event, The Great Car Economy God has invited bids from three of the world’s major religions – Islam, Christianity and Hinduism – as well as the Chinese to construct a new heavenly gateway city in the sky where worthies from all faiths and rich people can reside whilst their applications for the higher realms are processed by the authorities of The Great Car Economy God. The Church of England has, therefore, entered in to a joint venture with other protestant institutions as well as the Catholic Church, although the leadership of this enterprise is currently contested. On a positive note, however, their prospective bid – knowns as the St Peter’s Gate Project – apparently promotes a scheme already funded by HSBC Bank.
The Witch of Worcester of course saw in this revelation an opportunity to renew political interest in WoW Enterprises long-standing proposal for a spaceport at Throckmorton Airfield, which had not been short shortlisted by the present government. Given the fondness of Worcestershire worthies for a rail parkway regional interchange, WoW proposes to trump their piffling little project proposed for an inaccessible location in the Worcester environs with a new station and much larger car park on Throckmorton Airfield. This would provide access for worthies from the locality and wider region desirous of fast access to St Peter’s Gate, as well as somewhere to leave their motor vehicles in case entry to the intended final destination was denied by higher powers and a return journey to earth required.
PS. In case some people are concerned that they do not have a future in this great new scheme of things, the Witch can assure them that there is another and much pleasanter afterlife only accessible to those who arrive by sustainable transport.
“WICKED AND EVIL” POLITICAL PARTIES
0Without wishing to express support for any political party, the Witch of Worcester was surprised to hear Lib-Dem Sir Malcolm Bruce describe UKIP as a “wicked and evil” one on BBC Radio 4’s “Any Questions” on Friday http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04pcd5f Before using such intemperate language, Sir Malcolm – sounding like a spokesman for the Scottish Kirk in John Buchan’s historical novel “Witch Wood” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witch_Wood – might have recalled that his onetime esteemed colleague the former Lib-Dem MP Sir Cyril Smith is reputed to have sexually abused numerous children from orphanages in Manchester between 1960 and 1987: http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/sep/15/twenty-people-police-abused-cyril-smith Politics and politicians certainly have a dark side, but the one thing that can be said about UKIP is theirs seems rather more visible than those of other parties.
Meanwhile, disgraced ex-Labour MP, and onetime Europe Minister, Denis MacShane wrote a letter in The Guardian on Friday to fellow former guest of Her Majesty’s Prison system ex-Conservative spin doctor Andy Coulson – http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov/21/andy-coulson-prison-others-guilty-policy The letter concludes: “….now I wouldn’t have missed Belmarsh for anything in the world. I learned loads, not least about myself. Good luck and show ’em the stuff British hacks are made of.”
A LONG STAY AT HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE IS ENLIVENED BY SOME MEDIA ROLE-PLAY
0“Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours”. (Milton Berle – Attributed)
Andy Coulson’s QC had secured his relocation to an open prison, where a visit from old friend Piers Morgan – http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/piers-morgan-its-no-secret-that-i-visited-my-friend-andy-coulson-in-prison-9716098.html – had been welcome. Relations with fellow cons were considerably more civilised, and when a copy of The Sunday Mirror – http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/sunday-mirror-defends-clear-public-4349285 – came his way, Coulson had a brain wave. Gaining the attention of a screw (prison warden) with whom he was on good terms, the former News of the World editor proposed some educational role-play involving staff and inmates. Coulson would play the role of chairman of the new Independent Press Standards Organisation – http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/press/independent-press-standards-organisation-board-members-announced-9448253.html – whilst his new comrades would act as committee members. They would consider the case of the former Minister for Civil Society, as well as fellow Conservative MPs, targeted in The Sunday Mirror’s “Sextgate Sting”, which had already been referred to IPSO: http://www.ipso.co.uk Although a legal counsel had given opinion on the matter in his blog – http://barristerblogger.com/2014/09/28/tricked-sex-fraud-sunday-mirrors-sting-brookes-newmark-criminal – Coulson felt confident that his committee of cons and screws could still do justice to the story. Meanwhile, the former editor reflected on how he would have treated this very British scoop, and secretly hoped that the creators of Sophie Wittans – http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/sep/30/sundaymirror-guidofawkes – might one day be joining him in the clink – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Clink . To be continued….
BREAKFAST TALK AT BELMARSH PRISON
0“Now, how about a spot of prison breakfast?” said Ken Clarke to Andy Coulson. Having recently been head-butted in the canteen, Coulson was glad of a minder and Clarke looked as if he could still throw a punch like John Prescott. However, arriving in the food queue the con who had broken Coulson’s glasses became civil in the QC’s presense. In fact, he turned out to be a great admirer of the former Chancellor and bemoaned the “light-weight PR people”, to use Clarke’s words, who had taken over British politics. Turning to Coulson, the con apologised for losing his temper the previous day. His real problem, it turned out, was media regulation and, in particular the Press Complaints Commission. “A useless joke!” said Clarke, referring to the Commission, whilst eating a bacon sandwich with rather more style than Ed Miliband. “There’s nothing new about biased journalists and their lack of adherence to the facts, of course”, he continued, “as I told the Leveson Inquiry”: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/press/snooping-journalists-forced-ken-clarke-to-move-bank-account-7804640.html Coulson remained silent during this exchange, fearful of reigniting the wrath of the head-butter. He had declined the fried breakfast in favour of porridge – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porridge_%28TV_series%29 – and wondered whether switching the conversation to the needs of prisoners for a healthier lifestyle, in his case in an open prison, might be a good idea, or one to save until later….to be continued.
SENTENCED AT HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE
0“Sleep that knits up the raveled sleave of care”. Shakespeare, Macbeth
Sentenced at Her Majesty’s Pleasure*, Andy Coulson – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Coulson – was dreaming in his Belmarsh Prison cell. His plan to raise the literacy of fellow inmates had not started off well. The disgraced ex-newspaper editor, and former Number 10 spin doctor, had just had his glasses broken by another con (criminal) upset by a story Coulson had once spun. His dreams, however, were reassuring. Coulson was taken under the wing of an older man bearing some resemblance to Ken Clarke http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Clarke ( a former criminal lawyer), who then turned in to Fletcher, the Ronnie Barker character in the long-running TV sitcom Porridge – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porridge_%28TV_series%29 Afterwards came a visit from Lord Archer – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Archer – in which the peer recommended Coulson start to write about his prison experiences and a novel with the object of securing a lucrative publication deal. Then an angelic figure appeared to descend from the ceiling above him. At first, Coulson thought it was the spirit of Rupert Murdoch – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rupert_Murdoch – but turned the figure out to be Johnathan Aitken http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Aitken offering spiritual support. Next came his former lover Rebekah Brooks – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebekah_Brooks – with the news that she was hacking out with David Cameron again and that a peerage for Coulson was on the way so that he could run a government department – probably Culture, Media and Sport – from his prison cell, assisted by fellow inmates in the interests of social inclusivity. However, there must be no tell-all memoirs of his days as the prime minister’s director of communications. Rebekah disappeared as Coulson awoke to the sound of his name being called out by a screw (prison guard) and the words “there’s a Queen’s Counsel here to see you”. Then in walked Ken Clarke – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Clarke#mediaviewer/File:Ken_Clarke.jpg – now a free man freshly re-shuffled out of government, apparently to offer his services….(to be continued)
The Worcestershire Time-Space Travel Hub
0It is nearly 2 years since WoW – Witch of Worcester – Enterprises described our proposed Spaceport at Throckmorton Airfield, near Pershore – https://witchofworcester.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/new-wow-enterprises-the-throckmorton-spaceport-project/ and this post updates the situation.
The Government has recently announced that a UK spaceport will be operational within five years, once a “remote” site has been found for the project: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2617763/Rockets-lift-UK-five-years-government-remote-spaceport.html Throckmorton has been ruled out as insufficiently remote despite WoW’s irrefutable case for this location, based on the latest technology in the known universe. Nevertheless, we understand that the latest round of public consultations on the proposed South Worcestershire Development Plan – http://www.swdevelopmentplan.org/?page_id=5393 – may include this site for a possible new garden suburb of Pershore, a subject to which we will be doubt be returning.
In the meantime, the Government has also announced that there will be a 6th Round of bids for Regional Growth Fund grants: https://www.gov.uk/understanding-the-regional-growth-fund#rgf-round-6 As far as WoW Enterprises are concerned, this news could not come at a better time. Since the proposed Worcester Technology Park failed its due diligence test for nearly £18 million RGF Round 1, this area has been unable to advance a suitably grand project, and the “Worcestershire Time Space-Travel Portal and Inter-Gallactic Hub” fulfils the “Think Big” specification perfectly.
Moreover, since 2012 WoW Enterprises has speculated large sums on research and development into so-called “Wormholes” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wormhole – which the Wikipedia describes thus: “A wormhole, also known as an Einstein–Rosen bridge, is a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime that would fundamentally be a “shortcut” through spacetime. A wormhole is much like a tunnel with two ends each in separate points in spacetime.” Now, as it happens, we have discovered such a time-space portal in the vicinity of Wadborough Park Farm, a few miles to the south-east of Worcester.
This establishment has until recently been somewhat notorious as the source of a stench, widely known as “the Stoulton Stink” – http://www.rivertac.org/2013/12/farm-fined-a-total-of-37000-for-persistent-pollution/ – and is now, it is understood, considering plans to turn itself into the largest solar farm in Europe (we jest not!). In fact, Wadborough Park Farm is viewed as a major nuisance not just by its earthly neighbours but by so-called Extra-Terrestrials dwelling in space, and more particularly amongst people living in a parallel universe where Wadborough Park Farm remains one of the finest country estates in the whole of Worcestershire, like those of Croome and Spetchley: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Croome_Court and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spetchley_Park
Needless to say, Wow Enterprises draws substantial support and backing for the Space-Time Travel Portal from amongst these supernatural communities; and ordinary folk can be assured that the project would have an exclusively beneficial impact on their environment. Indeed, the physical Wadborough Park Farm would be fully restored to its former glory whilst the portal operated “Through the Wormhole” – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Through_the_Wormhole – as it were, with access enabled by teleportation – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teleportation – from smaller hub facilities around Britain. Given this extraordinary arrangement, it is quite possible that the project may not require planning permission. All will be explained, however, in our forthcoming bid for a Regional Growth Fund grant.
CONTEMPORISING TALES FROM CHAUCER
0Readers of the Witch of Worcester’s blog will be aware that tensions between the religious or spiritual life and more worldly temptations provide something of a touchstone. In this respect, the Witch’s great literary hero is the medieval English poet Geoffrey Chaucer, and she is today called upon to make a comparison between two characters in The Canterbury Tales and figures from contemporary English life.
The first such character is Chaucer’s Prioress who is described thus in the Tales’ Prologue:
……Ther was also a nonne, a prioresse,
119: That of hir smylyng was ful symple and coy;
120: Hire gretteste ooth was but by seinte loy;
121: And she was cleped madame eglentyne…..
151: Ful semyly hir wympul pynched was,
152: Hir nose tretys, hir eyen greye as glas,
153: Hir mouth ful smal, and therto softe and reed;
154: But sikerly she hadde a fair forheed;
155: It was almoost a spanne brood, I trowe;
156: For, hardily, she was nat undergrowe.
157: Ful fetys was hir cloke, as I was war….
160: And theron heng a brooch of gold ful sheene,
161: On which ther was first write a crowned a,
162: And after amor vincit omnia.
This account conjures up a lady vicar (Vicaress) whom the Witch encountered yesterday, clad in high heels and a rather tight grey suit (albeit with dog collar) which would not have looked out-of-place on the Duchess of Cambridge, should she ever decide to become a Church of England priest. However, the Witch couldn’t help but think that such attire might evoke in some minds a saucy amalgam – a sort of ecclesiastical dominatrix called “Madame Eglentyne” – of the famed “Tarts and Vicars” costumes. She was, therefore, interested to read in The Mail newspaper that a member of the Duchess’s extended Royal family, Beatrice York, was herself recently crowned queen at a “Tarts and Vicars” party: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2629944/Beatrice-crowned-queen-tarts-vicars-party-Sixth-line-throne-wore-imperial-crown-friends-soiree.html
Moving on to another Chaucerian analogy, the disgraced “Crystal Methodist” Paul Flowers – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Flowers_%28banker%29 – has more than something of the quality of the Canterbury Tales’ Friar about him:
208: A frere ther was, a wantowne and a merye,
209: A lymytour, a ful solempne man.
210: In alle the ordres foure is noon that kan
211: So muchel of daliaunce and fair langage….
214: Unto his ordre he was a noble post.
215: Ful wel biloved and famulier was he
216: With frankeleyns over al in his contree…
218: For he hadde power of confessioun,
219: As seyde hymself, moore than a curat,
220: For of his ordre he was licenciat.
221: Ful swetely herde he confessioun,
222: And plesaunt was his absolucioun:
223: He was an esy man to yeve penaunce,
224: Ther as he wiste to have a good pitaunce.
225: For unto a povre ordre for to yive
226: Is signe that a man is wel yshryve;
227: For if he yaf, he dorste make avaunt,
228: He wiste that a man was repentaunt;
229: For many a man so hard is of his herte,
230: He may nat wepe, althogh hym soore smerte.
231: Therfore in stede of wepynge and preyeres
232: Men moote yeve silver to the povre freres….
239: Therto he strong was as a champioun.
240: He knew the tavernes wel in every toun
241: And everich hostiler and tappestere
242: Bet than a lazar or a beggestere;
243: For unto swich a worthy man as he
244: Acorded nat, as by his facultee,
245: To have with sike lazars aqueyntaunce.
246: It is nat honest, it may nat avaunce,
247: For to deelen with no swich poraille,
248: But al with riche and selleres of vitaille.
249: And over al, ther as profit sholde arise,
250: Curteis he was and lowely of servyse.
251: Ther nas no man nowher so vertuous.
252: He was the beste beggere in his hous;
252.1: (and yaf a certeyne ferme for the graunt;
252.2: Noon of his bretheren cam ther in his haunt;)
253: For thogh a wydwe hadde noght a sho,
254: So plesaunt was his in principio,
255: Yet wolde he have a ferthyng, er he wente.
256: His purchas was wel bettre than his rente.
257: And rage he koude, as it were right a whelp.
258: In love-dayes ther koude he muchel help,
259: For ther he was nat lyk a cloysterer
260: With a thredbare cope, as is a povre scoler,
261: But he was lyk a maister or a pope.
262: Of double worstede was his semycope,
263: That rounded as a belle out of the presse.
264: Somwhat he lipsed, for his wantownesse,
265: To make his englissh sweete upon his tonge;
266: And in his harpyng, whan that he hadde songe,
267: His eyen twynkled in his heed aryght,
268: As doon the sterres in the frosty nyght.
269: This worthy lymytour was cleped huberd.
Chaucerian scholars will be aware that the Friar falls out with his fellow pilgrim the Summoner – in a manner not too dissimilar to the former Reverend Flowers’ falling out with gentlemen of the press – and a vitriolic tale on the subject of the excesses of Summoners ensues – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Friar%27s_Tale – recalling recent scenes outside the courts when the disgraced minister, after being charged with drugs offences, attacked the profession of journalism.
For more on the story of The Canterbury Tales, together with modern English translation of the above text, please see http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/CT-prolog-para.html
Spiritual advice for Buddhist monks encountering London Mayor on Tube
0The Witch of Worcester was sad to learn that a Buddhist monk had been so distracted by the appearance of the Mayor of London on the tube that he lost his lap top computer as a consequence. The story of Lelung’s Rinpoche’s fateful encounter with Boris Johnson, widely reported in the media last month, was summed up thus by The Daily Mail – “A Tibetan monk who posed for a selfie with London Mayor Boris Johnson was so caught up in the moment that it caused him to lose a laptop containing his life’s work” (Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2613281/Tibetan-monk-posed-THIS-selfie-Boris-Johnson-caught-moment-lost-laptop-containing-lifes-work.html#ixzz31JyxnajD) Buddhist Monks beware Boris Johnson when travelling on the London Underground is surely the moral of the tale! The Witch’s spiritual interpretation of the incident is that the Mayor of London channelled the demon known as Mara in Eastern faiths – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mara_%28demon%29 According to Buddhist cosmology, Mara “is a tempter, distracting humans from practicing the spiritual life by making mundane things alluring, or the negative seem positive.” (Wikipedia) There can be few better descriptions of a philandering politician than that!
A Horrible History Play : The Housebuilders
0Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by this sun of York (William Shakespeare: Duke of Gloucester in Richard III)
The Witch of Worcester has recently been commissioned to write a play along the lines of the “Horrible Histories”: http://horrible-histories.co.uk The “sun of York” in question is Eric Pickles, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government. Provisionally entitled “The Housebuilders”, the plot revolves around a major outbreak of urban sprawl between Gloucester and Worcester. Unable to travel to work because of traffic congestion, the spooks of GCHQ – who are scattered around the M5 motorway corridor – go on strike. In the midst of the ensuing chaos, Nigel Farage declares a Kentish breakaway state independent of the European Union and asks for assistance from Vladimir Putin to secure its borders. At this point, Eric Pickles stages a coup d’etat, later imprisoning former prime minister David Cameron and his deputy Nick Clegg in the Tower of London. The long-awaited arrival of full-on Soviet style central planning is then hailed by “The Housebuilders”, a conspiracy of freemasons bent on concreting over Middle England. As the Horrible Histories website states: “Here you’ll find nasty nuggets and foul facts aplenty…”
The Witch of Worcester 
